Belonging - finding home.

I'm a part of this big performance event, it's a big ceremonial celebration. Everyone is split into groups of hundreds of people, but I don't know which group I belong with.

I keep getting moved by one of the leaders into different groups but each time I don't quite fit in with the group I am with. I'm always a misfit.

The time for the big performance has arrived and I have still not found the group I belong with. I decide it will never happen, and so I decide to just float between many groups, flowing in and out of the performance.

I keep getting moved by people, who tell me I'm in the wrong place.

I discover this giant inflatable mattress, which when I inflate it, it rises like a big black hot air balloon. I want to show Anne Marie, she is excited when she sees it. She is going to include it somewhere, somehow.

The Haunted house in the old field

I'm with Scott

We have walked into the field next to the market garden field. This field stretches down to the north, surrounded by trees along the north edge, and there is an old house behind the trees through a gate.

Scott gets a feeling about the field. He reckons it's a traditional two acre field which was used for a particular form of old cropping practiced in the past. I recon it is more like a 3 or four acre, deceptively large. We walk down a little bit towards the house. We get to a point where we can see through the trees, and have a view into the fields beyond. It becomes clear from the view that all the fields around here are about the same size, sharply sloping down to the south, with interesting cropping techniques used. A vision comes to me that once this area was much more populated. I see how each of the fields represents the amount of space needed for a house hold to grow their own food. There are field markings somewhere in every field showing where the old houses were, and very often these were right in the middle. I point this out.

We are quite close to the old house now so I suggest that we go inside. The old man who I've met before might still be inside.

We sneak into the old house, a quirky abandoned feeling descends on us.

It is a bit like a haunted manor house, the last remaining old one in the land.

I have been here before. I met an old man here. He was friendly.

Now the place is empty.

Things are falling apart. The wall paper is coming off, pictures have fallen from the wall. There is just one thing in the room we find our selves in that has stayed on the wall in good condition.

This is an elaborate chandelleir which behind it and contained within it is a photo of the land. From the photo it is clear to see how this land was once, not so far back, heavily populated, with each field having an elaborate house on it. There was even a fractal quality to the housing, and a whole area of housing built into a spiral shape, like a village centre, all now lost to time.

We hear some noise coming from a distant room in the house. Scott panics, and immediately starts for the door, but I am more calm, I think it must be the old man.

I look down a corridor and get a glimse into a room. Two Chinese people are making their way towards us.

Scott is by the door by the time they reach us.

I try to explain myself, about me knowing the old man, having been here before, but one of the Chinese men gets out a little spray bottle of water out of his pocket and starts spraying me with it. I think it's gonna hurt, but all I feel is water on my skin. His eyes are full of anger. On the bottle I notice the words.

Psycho water
This is my sisters house. He now yells at me,

I know her, I try to tell him, but he doesn't listen.

He just keeps spraying me with this water, .
So I begin to walk away to the door, to follow Scott back out. He comes after us, and we start running. It's like the water is putting a curse on me. I know I need to get away, so I start to levitate above the field, flying just off the ground.

The Chinese man's rage sparks off the Raging of the butterfly and eagles wings.

I hear them beating around me

introvert, extrovert.

I'm in a restaurant, eating chips at the end of a long que each room has different foods in. It's a fancy place. I kind of feel left out. Adam is here somewhere. John biggins asking question, about a hard maths problem. I was now in church hall. D says something about being subtle a easier approach than being extrovert. I question him, saying that why not be blunt and say things as they are. I think his desire to be subtle is conditioned into him. As he is afraid of what people might think of him. We are now playing football outside at the back. Aidan is here.

The Party

Me and my brother have been hosting in my parents house. We have just had an evening of copious hedonistic pleasure, and the following morning everyone gets the bad news that the owners of the house, my parents, are back, earlier than expected. During the evening everyone had had so much fun that they can't be bothered to tidy up.

Needless to say, the biggest upset to my mum and dad was finding this scuzzy deadlock hippie couple sleeping in their bed. There is not much point in hiding anything now, as it's clear to them this was no ordinary party, yet I am still hoping that the sex toys are not randomly lying around.

How we are going to finish is beyond my comprehension now. P and a few of the more awake, have moved into the poly tunnel to give them back their space. P has a vague plan to try and include them in the activities, thinking that after a little bit of massage, they will relax and get in the spirit of things. He shows me a bottle of special oil, rose hip oil, which he says is good for opening the heart, and particularly effective for Christians.

My parents have retreated to the kitchen table, while general morning tidy up happens around them. The kitchen is like something out of a Salvador dali painting. The table has really high legs, and the chairs too. How one manages to get on them easily, or even at all is a mystery. High up on the table a basic lunch is served. One of the reasons the table is so high up, is to get away from the mud of the farm yard. My parents own a farm with cows. The kitchen table is in the middle of the court yard, which in this weather is ankle deep in cow shit and mud.

A mug has fallen off the table into the cow shit. My dad wants a drink, but is unable to clean the cup, so my brother offers him milk in the dirty cup. The white milk gets mixed with the brown shit and makes a creamy chocolate color. My dad drinks it anyway, saying that people in the past learned to live with this kind of thing.

Back up on the high table we now engage in a conversation about power and I talk to my dad about the Rosicrucian order of the golden dawn, the late Victorian secret society, born out of free masonry, practicing ritual high magic. He asks me, "but are they people of the earth, these people who are part of this cult"? I explain to him that they are a bunch of aristocrat's, artists and poets experimenting in magic, but have to concede, no, they are not common folk, they come from a class of society above the common as muck, farmers and peasants. " that's how we know about them," i say "as they had the wealth to pass on and write down the teachings. . we don't really know what the common everyday low magic was ."

Now a cup falls off the high table and cracks on floor. I climb down off my wobbly chair, to see if I can mend it, but it's a lost cause.

Desire

I am at braziers. I pull up in my car. I'm with Pete. There has been many changes. The front dining room has been turned into a games room. There are lots of youthful people playing games, table tennis and such like. I notice there are many pretty young girls there, with blossoming breasts, smiling, fit and active, and I am immediately attracted to them.


 I want to chase them, to seduce one of them, but I don't know how to go about it, so I take someone up on the offer to go and watch a video about iboga. It turns out not to be about iboga but ibora. It is a psychedelic video which is rather boring. I can't stop thinking about the young pretty girls, so I find an excuse to go back to the room on my own this time not with Pete, the challenge is that it is getting late and many of them are disappearing into their other lives. I am losing the chance for making a connection.

i also feel like a predator so I run to my car to escape the feelings, I run and ask for help. I am terrified of my desires. I don't know what to do.

I an visited by a powerful spirit who asks me to feel my heart, when I do, I notice that my chest is closed off, the spirit asks me to open my chest, and to breathe into the openness. I feel a big release from my chest area as if a curse was being lifted

i am with a girl friend and a guy and a girl. We are running to a ceremony a marriage, we are dressed up in our best clothes. I am going to get married to the girl. When we get to the ceremony place there are lots of other people who I end up interacting with and I loose the girl friend in the crowd. A girl with black hair takes my attention..