Neuter the duck chicks...

Mick has offered to buy a tool for me. I am being encouraged to get two duck chicks. They are both got from the farm. I take them to someone who I give money to, Mick wanted me to give them fake money. But I can't, I must give them 1 dollar each for them.

They accept and they want to neuter them. They who inspects them find that they have problems already when cutting. They are both male. They should survive however. I get them cut and now I am in the park. Some how there is a long walk to go. I met Alys. We are preparing for our second burial. This burial is related to the tantra course. I am finding my own place to dig my grave. It's away from the others and because I have done this before I am more confident than the other's. 

On and on I keep walking. I am going to the marsh to learn fishing. My brother James is there and he wants to show me how to cast. There is a motion he is using. It spins the hook around in the air in a circle I then go or on to the marsh. I have forgotten my wellies so I look in the shed for some more. There seem to be a pair of boots around for new but it's not what I was expecting.

Significance

I am back in the vipasana centre. Some things have changed. The woods
down at the bottom, where the word hope was carved have been
developed. Some of the trees have gone, and there is concrete and
buildings going up. I still find the word hope.

Back at the centre one of the teachers is being flagellated. Its making
marks on his back. It seems like people are really suffering out here,
not really becoming enlightened.

I know it is not for me so I wander on, and head for little dewchurch,
to visit sherwood. I decide to get involved with his house building
and wonder weather there might be a field aside of his for apple
growing.

Something give me a message about traveling to a spot half way between
gloucester and bristol.


Its a magical place I have to visit.

On route there I end up in norway. Its a military peninsular somewhere
off the bristol channel. I have no idea how my car got here. I have
mikk in the boot. My car has broken down right on the end of the
peninsular. There are military planes, runways and bases all around.
Not much lives out here. It is very unusual.

I have to phone the rescue to get me back home. When back at home I
look at the map to figure out exactly where I was. I tell my dad that
I ended up there by accident but he assures me that I chose to go
there. I say it must be significant but he thinks that it is just
normal. Marie is there and she says this happens to her sometimes when
she is taken to places beyond her will. I say 'if everything was
significant, nothing would be significant'.

The annoying guy

I am with nan, and we are somewhere like embercombe.

We are hounded by this annoying guy who keeps asking us silly
questions in regards to what we are doing. He is clearly just trying
to annoy us so I snap at him and ask him

- "how do you want to live your life?"

He replies slowly,
"I don't know"
"Well I want to live my life full of passion. I want to explore the
gifts and talents that only my soul uniquely has. I want to live my
life as fully as I can so that when I die I know that I will have
given it everything I have got"

He makes a remark
"That's a bit dry"
and walks away.

We are no longer hassled by the guy. We carry on on our journey.

We come across another guy who is reading a book.  The title of the
book contains the word rupture. I make a link in my mind between the
work rupture and the word rain. They seem to mean the same thing.

Zimbabwe - the song that moves the soul

I'm traveling to the village in zimbabwe.

I have to travel through loads of wilderness on foot, and run along
these endless roads. Then I have to pull myself and squeeze myself
along these tiny ledges with huge drops on one side. I very nearly
fall off, but somehow manage to make it.

I meet denise and kenedy and together we travel into the village.

I meet dominic and I shake his hand. Denise gives him a hug. Its so
nice to see him. He sings some beautiful songs and through the songs
some ancient spirit comes into the space, but the zimbabwean people
have lost spirit and faith and don't feel moved any more by the song.
Me and denise are moved however, and we both cry.

The Boss Man

I'm back up in the valleys.

The main man is blowing the whistle, rounding us up. He makes a funny
comment that the whistle makes him feel ten years younger.

Its dark. Before dawn. I want to eat these bread things from off the
shelf but they are not for me. This lady says they are being saved for
a special occasion.

I tell the boss man that I want to learn off him. I want him to be my
teacher. He gives me the black board and tells me to get on with it.

-

I'm with rosa. She has a new book, perhaps she has made it herself.
Its big sheets of nice paper bound together and on each page is a
quote nicely written in classical roman capitals or some other nice
font. Quotes from poets like Mary Oliver and other favourites are in
there. One page simply says - I, LOVE, YOU.

a collection of dreams in the last 2 months...note form

Eith james and dad and james musician friends, we at a performance
involving clowning and music together and strange ambiguous theatre.
It confuses dad at first.

-
-

I'm in wellow. I walk into the maltings garden from the back gate and
down to the spot just where the old hawthorn tree used to be. There
are special rocks here and I notice that the views are pivotal.

I notice how a lot of the stone work has been damaged and the paths changed.

 I notice how a few of the old fruit trees have been cut down and a
new path has been laid down at the back of the garden.

In the back corner of the garden a number of my sculptures have been
dumped and broken. When I first look its as if the stone has been
eaten away by something but when I look closer they have been
intentionally broken. I begin to shake and wail. The trauma of seeing
this desolation to the place and my craft is too much, I try to scream
but the noise I make is just a pathetic whining. It is at this point
that I feel some spirit come and press hard on my third eye and I wake
up into another dream. Now I am in a building and marie or someone has
just tried to call me on my phone. The name of the person is
Journeying ....
I now wake out of this dream and my phone is by my head and I check to
see if anyone just tried to ring me but there is no evidence of
anything on my phone.

----


These giant apples are hanging off the tree, like baubles, each on a
different shiny colour and tone. They hang there in the wind getting
blown this way and that.


---

I'm playing music again with SJ. Its sounding really good. We play
better together than ever before.
-

With luke t an fam. We trying to move through snowy forest , they
getting stuck. I have better ability to move though this, so I help
them. Not sure who's chasing us but someone is out to get us.

-
We have been traveling for a while and now we settle down in a port.
We have to give in our meal tickets. Everything is carefully
controlled. I join a little anarchist group who are trying to do
things differently.

-

I get sucked up a big funnel tube thing which belongs to aidan.


-------

Meet this female mbria player , she has a cd, old one from a few years
back, has a track on there with lyrics

Who am I and where am I going?
Who are we in this universe?
What does it mean and how does it work?
Where is the meaning to it all?

... A questioning soulful gentle song.

--

I'm at some kind of festival. I end up kissing this girl at the end of
the festival who I know already has a boyfriend. She apologizes to me,
because she can't go with me, I know she can't an partly feel bad
because my urges overrode my moral judgments, but it felt good anyhow,
and I was not upset when she said she had to leave, I told her I was
not attached to her.
-
Beetroot seed
-
I am looking through an old family photo album, and there are lot of
lingums - penises - all the way through the album. - erect penises, in
a whole variety of different situations. It surprises me, and yet
somehow it all feels like it was meant to be. --

I meet P. Its great to see her again. She explains to me her money
situation. She has only been urning 4 dollars a week. It is very
little and I can see how its hard for her to pull herself out if this
situation.

--

At coed, seeing all the sculptures from africa, the room has changed,
things are on the move. Gilly has been gifted with spiritual energy.

-

Dad says he doesn't want me doing any more spiritual healing work.

I rebel. I reject his authority.


-------

I meet simon.
We converse in the dream about dreams and dreaming.


I meet christopher, with conor and another friend, they talk about a
book, a cultural classic that I have not read about lsd and drugs.

Mikke. He guides me past the cherry trees to the banks of the river, I
get lost but he helps me find my way.

--------------

With conor and a friend. We on the edge of the biggest cliff you ever
did see, but we don't know. Conor takes one look over and cowers away,
I take a look and have the same feeling. There are clouds below us.

The land starts to break up, apocalyptic style. We have to get off
this rocky mountain.

-

I'm at a big party gathering. I feel left out. There is a cheese and
crackers table, most of the cheeses have been eaten. Its easter time.

But now the younger generations come and they liven things up by
eating loads of sugar and taking hallucinogens, namely magic
mushrooms.
Its like its the old church dynasty lot.



The jam.

James, luke and conor.
- I play piano. James on rhythm. Drifty floaty hiphop stuff.



Conor rap.

Jack and the bean stalk, has a christmas tree.

He teaches to grow and has a scarecrow.

----------

I have run the grafting workshop, but forget to ask people for money,
and I have to chase them afterwards to ask, they didn't know I needed
money and now they don't give me much. But there is a confusion
between dollars and pounds.

---------
I'm with mum and mikk. We are talking about market gardening. Mum is
pleased that I am taking on a new market garden job in devon. I
explain to her the conditions.

I argue with her that the main reason why she doesn't buy the most
environmentally sound products is because of priority- its not her
priority to do so. Her and mikk, having a deeper perspective into
where poor people come from, as they grew up from this perspective,
see that this is not the case and have to explain to me that it is not
about priority but more one of access.

-

Mum is concerned about simon. He has not been getting out enough. She
is worried and upset.  She sees that he is depressed and has
difficulties with socializing.

He has gone out this eve and it has been the happiest she has seen him
for a long while. I need to help him somehow with his depression.

---------------

Conor, ed oli - playing music, we are drunk, conor is looking pale -
get flu, we take drugs - magic mushrooms, flygarics,

Becky gives me lots of mangoes, she has a sister who lives out in the
tropics, and there are so many big ones hanging off the tree, ready
for eating.


---------
Embercombe - been on a long 'initiation' - needing to get back to
sheffield soon after.
Talking about money, me being poor. - seems like they don't understand
my money situation.

Mosquitos + insects attacting me - I squish them with my fingers.
Tempted to eat them. They look weird. They squirt things from them.



-----

I see the femininity in my face - my big eyes, and it is combined with
an uglyness - a part of me that is uncivilized, uncontroled, like an
animal. This is what I am like - a female mixed with a wild animal.

Conor - maria cry - rob - the house on the ridge. + with family.

Zim - not right vibe.
New roots - meditation in process.

--------
Marion - sexuality - exposes - sees that I was abused in past life -
religious suppression.  Lala, and tom there. A gathering starting upp.

---------
In a place where I drive a bus, hard to drive. Lots of others, supportive.

Me going crazy - psycosis - being told by others - if I didn't
have/was born into stable family I would be here.

Zim - have to protect my bike and stuff. I worry things get stolen.
-------
I am near church in sheffield on eccy road. I have been invited to the
cinema, and there is a mini cinema here, and me and my friends are
watching Forest Gump on the mini screen.

I keep getting distracted by phone calls, and have to leave the
cinema. When I do, there is social problems happening on the other
side of the road which I get caught up in. I am also partly the cause
of these problems, because one guy doesn't like me and wants rid of
me. He is trying to get others to feel the same. I have to use my
protective magic to stop him getting me. I know it will work, but it
is still quite a close scary one. He uses his dark forces against me,
and everything goes black, but because I am friends with the darkness,
his black forces don't work. I see the name of my protector spirit
painted in black on my arm.

-

I am back at the dam, and we are doing another cleansing ceremony. It
is difficult to find a space where it feels private enough to do this,
because many people are coming to the dam and sitting by the water to
play in it. There are many mothers with their babies and they are
having picnics on the banks of the river.

I realise that I will either have to let people see me naked or find
another spot.

I am taken off to this room where white women are eating rich foods
and having a discussion. They are talking about the monotheism and
slightly backwards views of traditional african spirituality. I join
in with the discussion. One of them , after offering me rich chocolate
elairs with cream on, says that she would like to bring more William
Blake into the ceremonies. I can understand that need.