kokopelli (perhaps?)

This guy who looks likes me gets arrested, because the undercover
police are after me and mistake him for me. I feel really sorry for
him, so as soon as the police find out that its not me, I find him and
buy him a drink and apologize.

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I meet this guy who has an enormous penis.
I mean, this thing is bigger than he is, it just grows and grows, like
the trunk of a tree. He is a presenter on a TV show, and occasionally
he gets an erection, and there's no way of hiding it so he makes it a
part of the show. He describes the stages of it, and the different
ways to masturbate as this tower rises up between his legs.