I'm in a room with a bunch of my friends, and I have to see to get a
load of things together in the room in order to be ready to go out.
Its taking me ages to get my stuff together, and one of my friends who
has come specifically to see me so that we could do some recording
together is getting annoyed with me. He waits outside smoking roleups
impatiently.
By the time I finally get my stuff together, which seems to take
forever, I can feel his frustration at me, like a dark storm cloud
around him.
We walk together, through the park, and he sings a melody under his
breath, just loud enough for me to hear, and I know the words are
directed at me.
"And you go round again, and again, and again,"
"Wasting my time, wasting my time, wasting my time..."
I walk, listening to him, thinking, 'but I'm the one who usually
visits you, I'm the one who puts my self out for you more than you put
your self out for me...'
"I'm going to re-record this when I get home, I'm going to do this
myself, I can do it myself..."; he sings on...
I focus on myself, internalize my thinking so I'm not giving him any
energy. I am powerful when I want to be, I can be strong, I can not
let his words get to me, I can play psychological mind games too....
"You like you're eggs don't you?!"
His song words eat into my conscience, his power breaks me, and he
reflects my dark side back to me; my failings, my broken promises, my
self centered egoism, my greed, making me feel like I have betrayed
him as a friend...
I wake up feeling awful.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Pretending....
I'm with charlie and his girlfriend.
We are driving in the car back from devon to somerset.
The satnav takes us off road, and into fields. He and his girlfriend
think this is fine, because they are used to it, but I feel a bit
worried that we will get stuck in a field.
We drive up these steep grassy slopes which have a lot of water on the
surface, and the car seems fine.
I begin to see fine views of the land all around, and the slope keeps
getting steeper and steeper.
We get to the edge of a cliff, and we are in danger of the car
slipping over the edge of the cliff, because the grassy slope meets
the edge, and we have to navigate around the contour of the big hill,
with steep slopes on the upper side and a cliff on the lower side.
We get stuck on this big hill. I say to charlie,
"We could just pretend..." thinking to myself that we were pretending
anyway, and it would be easy to pick this car up, like a child picks
up a toy car, and move it from the hill back to the road.."That we
were back on the road".
Charlie responds, "for me it all has to be real. Pretending isn't as fun."
So we stay on the hill and somehow, navigate our way through the stuck
situation and find ourselves back on the flat ground on the other side
of the hill.
We are driving in the car back from devon to somerset.
The satnav takes us off road, and into fields. He and his girlfriend
think this is fine, because they are used to it, but I feel a bit
worried that we will get stuck in a field.
We drive up these steep grassy slopes which have a lot of water on the
surface, and the car seems fine.
I begin to see fine views of the land all around, and the slope keeps
getting steeper and steeper.
We get to the edge of a cliff, and we are in danger of the car
slipping over the edge of the cliff, because the grassy slope meets
the edge, and we have to navigate around the contour of the big hill,
with steep slopes on the upper side and a cliff on the lower side.
We get stuck on this big hill. I say to charlie,
"We could just pretend..." thinking to myself that we were pretending
anyway, and it would be easy to pick this car up, like a child picks
up a toy car, and move it from the hill back to the road.."That we
were back on the road".
Charlie responds, "for me it all has to be real. Pretending isn't as fun."
So we stay on the hill and somehow, navigate our way through the stuck
situation and find ourselves back on the flat ground on the other side
of the hill.
Pan in America
I meet a guy called Jason.
Him and Narelle have this strong connection, perhaps because they are both american,
but more likely some psychic thing. I have been enjoying telling Jason
about my friend Kate, because Jason also lives in san fran California,
in Berkeley and is interested in shamanism. One thing that slightly
confuses me is that 'jason' is female, or male jason has a female
body, which ever way you want to look at it. Transsexual. We talk
about shamanism together. Its really great seeing narrelle again too.
We talk together. Simon is there too, and he finds it really
interesting that I have made friends in san fran, because this is
where 'core' shamanism began, with the foundation for shamanic studies
being set up there by Micheal Harner. Simon inquires as to weather
kate is a shamanic practitioner too, I say not to my knowledge, yet I
don't really know where she is at now.
One of the reasons why I have come to america is to bring a bit of the spirit of Pan to the americans. In our conversations (me, Jason and Narelle) we realise that what the american people are missing so much
is the great god Pan. In particular the men, who have lost touch with the sacred male fertility deity, phallic and creative. This has caused a real sickness in the psyche of the american people, and western people in general, but its a sickness that I can help remedy through my connection to Pan, which is strong, and which Jason and Narelle have too.
-----------
Him and Narelle have this strong connection, perhaps because they are both american,
but more likely some psychic thing. I have been enjoying telling Jason
about my friend Kate, because Jason also lives in san fran California,
in Berkeley and is interested in shamanism. One thing that slightly
confuses me is that 'jason' is female, or male jason has a female
body, which ever way you want to look at it. Transsexual. We talk
about shamanism together. Its really great seeing narrelle again too.
We talk together. Simon is there too, and he finds it really
interesting that I have made friends in san fran, because this is
where 'core' shamanism began, with the foundation for shamanic studies
being set up there by Micheal Harner. Simon inquires as to weather
kate is a shamanic practitioner too, I say not to my knowledge, yet I
don't really know where she is at now.
One of the reasons why I have come to america is to bring a bit of the spirit of Pan to the americans. In our conversations (me, Jason and Narelle) we realise that what the american people are missing so much
is the great god Pan. In particular the men, who have lost touch with the sacred male fertility deity, phallic and creative. This has caused a real sickness in the psyche of the american people, and western people in general, but its a sickness that I can help remedy through my connection to Pan, which is strong, and which Jason and Narelle have too.
-----------
Spirit Teachers
I meet a guy whos celtic name is Emdhor.
His teacher would have loved to meet him before he died. As is was, he met his teacher after he had died and he came to him is spirit form. A friend suggests to me that he might be my teacher.
I ask him about the qualities of possession. he says it is 'Intense'
James is lying down, and he shows me what he looks like when he is possessed ...
-
We talk about the qualities of nakedness in ritual and he describes the differences between the Helenic school of thought and the Confucius school. he talks about teachers from both traditions.
His teacher would have loved to meet him before he died. As is was, he met his teacher after he had died and he came to him is spirit form. A friend suggests to me that he might be my teacher.
I ask him about the qualities of possession. he says it is 'Intense'
James is lying down, and he shows me what he looks like when he is possessed ...
-
We talk about the qualities of nakedness in ritual and he describes the differences between the Helenic school of thought and the Confucius school. he talks about teachers from both traditions.
secret relationships
I am exploring this field, there are other people wandering around...
I see a raven, follow it, and come across loads of crow feathers in field,
and a wing or two.
We are at a dance, with conor, alys, james, everyone, and he is showing us
his new dancing techniques, they are really cool and hilarious, we are
not sure weather he is intentionally doing them as a joke or not, but
it seems to be working for him as all the women want to dance with
him.
I meet this girl and have a dance. I seem to remember her from way
back in the past. We have a long chat about what we have been up to
over the years, and when we say goodbye we can't let go of one another
and I can't control my self, and we kiss on the lips and keep hugging,
and holding one another. When we finally release our embrace she looks
at me and says that she didn't expect her to be with me, nor did I
expect to be with her, but this is how things seem to have worked out,
and for now it feels right. I worry about meeting her needs and about
commitments, and so I talk openly with her about my worries and she is
wary of commitment too and we talk about different ways we can be in
the moment in appreciating one another right here and now, because
neither of us knows what will happen in the future, weather we will
fall in love, out of love, who knows... So we enjoy the moment of
being together then and there. We talk about different aspects of
being in the moment, and suddenly an alarm reminds me its time for
life drawing, and I have to rush off to life drawing and say a quick
"ill phone you in a bit" to her, as now other people are around and
they don't know what has happened between us, and we are still
'secret' to the world at this stage ...
---
I see a raven, follow it, and come across loads of crow feathers in field,
and a wing or two.
We are at a dance, with conor, alys, james, everyone, and he is showing us
his new dancing techniques, they are really cool and hilarious, we are
not sure weather he is intentionally doing them as a joke or not, but
it seems to be working for him as all the women want to dance with
him.
I meet this girl and have a dance. I seem to remember her from way
back in the past. We have a long chat about what we have been up to
over the years, and when we say goodbye we can't let go of one another
and I can't control my self, and we kiss on the lips and keep hugging,
and holding one another. When we finally release our embrace she looks
at me and says that she didn't expect her to be with me, nor did I
expect to be with her, but this is how things seem to have worked out,
and for now it feels right. I worry about meeting her needs and about
commitments, and so I talk openly with her about my worries and she is
wary of commitment too and we talk about different ways we can be in
the moment in appreciating one another right here and now, because
neither of us knows what will happen in the future, weather we will
fall in love, out of love, who knows... So we enjoy the moment of
being together then and there. We talk about different aspects of
being in the moment, and suddenly an alarm reminds me its time for
life drawing, and I have to rush off to life drawing and say a quick
"ill phone you in a bit" to her, as now other people are around and
they don't know what has happened between us, and we are still
'secret' to the world at this stage ...
---
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Seed Saving, Climate Change, and the Cryptic Poem
I am with mick and a few other friends in Sheffield. We are visiting lots of different growing sites across the city. We stop at the huerta. There are seeds to be saved, and there are the big seed containers - sifters and sieves, square ones, hanging up on a nail on the wall.
Does mick have time?
I am told about climate change and how serious it is, and how big changes are coming. I am told that we are moving into unchartered territory as a species, that this time is unique, and that big changes are happening and bigger changes are about to happen.
I am in a classroom. The teacher in the class asks us all a question -
"Which Countries in the world need the most help?"
Some people make some heartless comments like "oh spains economy is in a bit of a mess," and such like.
I am aware that all people need help - I keep trying to make comment which keeps getting interrupted - this old lady keeps talking over the top of me.
Finally I get to speak -
"all people in all countries need help, yes, some seemingly more than others, the Zimbabwean people , the people in the middle east, the far east, all the Siberian peoples, the Tibetan peoples, but all people really"...
I an thinking of how the developed nations need help with empathy.... Tears are in my eyes, I feel ashamed for my emotional state, I hide my tears from the rest of the class, but I know that they know I'm crying, and think low of it. I on the other hand can't think of the sufferings in the world without getting emotional, and most of all, I am sad and crying not because of the sufferings in the world but
because of the lack of soul- the lack of the ability that these people in this class have to empathise with what is going on, this is the main source of my tears.
Teacher of the class is wearing interesting robe. Asks if people like Yeats poetry. I know a few poems...
He writes a cryptic poem on the blackboard
'Inside and down or outside and up and downside or in and upside or out'
He then rewrites it in a new form and shows us the secret meanings in it.
Does mick have time?
I am told about climate change and how serious it is, and how big changes are coming. I am told that we are moving into unchartered territory as a species, that this time is unique, and that big changes are happening and bigger changes are about to happen.
I am in a classroom. The teacher in the class asks us all a question -
"Which Countries in the world need the most help?"
Some people make some heartless comments like "oh spains economy is in a bit of a mess," and such like.
I am aware that all people need help - I keep trying to make comment which keeps getting interrupted - this old lady keeps talking over the top of me.
Finally I get to speak -
"all people in all countries need help, yes, some seemingly more than others, the Zimbabwean people , the people in the middle east, the far east, all the Siberian peoples, the Tibetan peoples, but all people really"...
I an thinking of how the developed nations need help with empathy.... Tears are in my eyes, I feel ashamed for my emotional state, I hide my tears from the rest of the class, but I know that they know I'm crying, and think low of it. I on the other hand can't think of the sufferings in the world without getting emotional, and most of all, I am sad and crying not because of the sufferings in the world but
because of the lack of soul- the lack of the ability that these people in this class have to empathise with what is going on, this is the main source of my tears.
Teacher of the class is wearing interesting robe. Asks if people like Yeats poetry. I know a few poems...
He writes a cryptic poem on the blackboard
'Inside and down or outside and up and downside or in and upside or out'
He then rewrites it in a new form and shows us the secret meanings in it.
bits of dreams...
I went to sleep in the middle of the day, had to get a good rest. When
I wake up I'm with dynasty.
I meet john biggins on waking.
John simeon is learning to play bagpipes.
I think that's great, but suggest to him that he may wish to consider
a place to practice them well, because they can be quite loud!
We start a contact improv jam. Lots of people, walking around in a big bunch,
I get given a seed from ed via james that I have to plant. I drop it
, and nearly loose it but I find again.
We have to cut down a hedge. Aidan turner helps and we turn the pile
of cuttings into a trampoline.
The Hypnotic Computer Game
I see 3 houses In walkley that are for sale - one with 2 bedrooms - 2 with 3 bedrooms - potential for Shiro - one with 2 bedrooms south facing has garden. Feels like its got potential - lower end of walkley. I tell co op lot
My friend Mike is playing a cricket computer game. The bowlers on the cricket game are able to do under arm bowling. I'm watching him move the controller. Pete drinks some spring water.
The intro to the game involved a crash. The Cricket men come down from the skys they are heros come down from space with parachutes to rescue people from the evil enemy. We are now in a Cinema - The big screen has lots of people watching it.
The technology of this film/game is has high techno music which is very intense it puts all the people watching the film/game into a trance. It starts showing images which are trying to program us clockwork orange style, - like Pokemon.... its secret intention is to get people into industrial consumer
lifestyle, and to turn people into robots.
A voice over comes on - "If you see this shape" - a triangular Celtic pattern comes up on the screen -
'Anyone who has this shape is an enemy, this is the sign of the enemy - elimiate them!'
I feel like my head is exploding, so before I am totaly hypnotized I run, to get as far away as possible. I skate down the stairs out onto the street in the city.
experimental filming.
Me and my 2 older brothers are experimenting with filming us doing
contact improvisation. We do lots of spinning and lifting, and I am
wearing a costume which flows with the spinning.
The video looks great.
I meet my cousin olivia and have a good chat.
I am exploring in the woods near my house. The council have been going
through thinning the undergrowth. I need to collect wood before they
do this, because there are valuable things that I don't want to loose.
----------------------
themes
I am with my family, and I have cooked the chicken too spicy and jude is trying to remedy.
She has a fake mustache and beard. She says things to me.
There is a stream running through town, this is the river that shines with light and it floods; the sluice gates are opened, and we have to stop things getting washed away.
I am with Paul, we are chanting, we are invoking psycopomp spirits, its dark chanting, I have to make the darkest sounds I can with my voice.
I am at a football ground, have to go and rescue things that have been thrown over the wall. We are playing a game.
I have to climb down this big fence and collect things and then climb back up.
I meet a few dancers who are very sexual in their behaviour. Some of them live for sex, and dance is the excuse. Two people who have practically never met before start having sex, he pulls down her
trousers and starts having sex with her from behind. she is loving it.
-----------------
She has a fake mustache and beard. She says things to me.
There is a stream running through town, this is the river that shines with light and it floods; the sluice gates are opened, and we have to stop things getting washed away.
I am with Paul, we are chanting, we are invoking psycopomp spirits, its dark chanting, I have to make the darkest sounds I can with my voice.
I am at a football ground, have to go and rescue things that have been thrown over the wall. We are playing a game.
I have to climb down this big fence and collect things and then climb back up.
I meet a few dancers who are very sexual in their behaviour. Some of them live for sex, and dance is the excuse. Two people who have practically never met before start having sex, he pulls down her
trousers and starts having sex with her from behind. she is loving it.
-----------------
Anger getting the better of me.
Anne Marie has found someone who lives in the strangest house. It is a tiny straw and wooden round house, like a mini shed, and it has two mushroom stools which are seats and they take up most of the space inside. The person who built it is an eccentric.
I hang out with her for a while.
I travel back to my house which is up a long hill. I get home and a party is going on. Lots of teenagers have filled all the rooms and hallways and are chatting away with their drinks.
I am trying to get to my room, by pushing through all the bodies. There are people lining the spiral stairs up to my room. Fair enough, I think, they need somewhere to hang out. I tell them,
"you can hang out in my room as long as you don't make a mess and leave when I tell you two. I'm going to need to go to bed quite soon. ".
I ask them to help me - we are trying to fold a giant tarp which needs putting back into
place. If I'm doing this job my self, I have to be quite precise with the measurements to get it tight, which takes a while, or alternatively I just need someone on each corner and it takes a few minutes.
People are watching me struggle a little, while I explain the process to one lad who has expressed a little desire to help me. There are at least 2 people sat on my bed drinking booze and watching
the process.
I say, " you need to fold this corner to hear, while holding this one,..." Its not going well. I am too distracted by what's going on... "Or perhaps you can help me" I say to the couple on the bed, and offer them a corner to hold which they do.
I try give a corner to one guy but he is far to drunk. He also is directly ignoring what I've said and doing exactly what I've told them to not do.
I get really angry.
I don't like enforcing my anger but it gets the better of me, and I realise that perhaps the situation needs a bit of anger to get this straight. I shout at the teenagers that are being most unhelpful and
disruptive.
"Fuck off!" "Fuck off!!! If you don't get out or do as I say I will
have to use force"
I pick one of them up by his shirt and am going to throw him to the other side of the room but some people stop me at the last second ,
"Careful of the rose thorns!" They warn.
I notice a huge rose bush with thorns the size of credit cards, like a dinosaur, dangerously pointy and chunky. I steer my aim away from this and hurl this guy into the wall. He is shocked but not injured.
-----------------------
I hang out with her for a while.
I travel back to my house which is up a long hill. I get home and a party is going on. Lots of teenagers have filled all the rooms and hallways and are chatting away with their drinks.
I am trying to get to my room, by pushing through all the bodies. There are people lining the spiral stairs up to my room. Fair enough, I think, they need somewhere to hang out. I tell them,
"you can hang out in my room as long as you don't make a mess and leave when I tell you two. I'm going to need to go to bed quite soon. ".
I ask them to help me - we are trying to fold a giant tarp which needs putting back into
place. If I'm doing this job my self, I have to be quite precise with the measurements to get it tight, which takes a while, or alternatively I just need someone on each corner and it takes a few minutes.
People are watching me struggle a little, while I explain the process to one lad who has expressed a little desire to help me. There are at least 2 people sat on my bed drinking booze and watching
the process.
I say, " you need to fold this corner to hear, while holding this one,..." Its not going well. I am too distracted by what's going on... "Or perhaps you can help me" I say to the couple on the bed, and offer them a corner to hold which they do.
I try give a corner to one guy but he is far to drunk. He also is directly ignoring what I've said and doing exactly what I've told them to not do.
I get really angry.
I don't like enforcing my anger but it gets the better of me, and I realise that perhaps the situation needs a bit of anger to get this straight. I shout at the teenagers that are being most unhelpful and
disruptive.
"Fuck off!" "Fuck off!!! If you don't get out or do as I say I will
have to use force"
I pick one of them up by his shirt and am going to throw him to the other side of the room but some people stop me at the last second ,
"Careful of the rose thorns!" They warn.
I notice a huge rose bush with thorns the size of credit cards, like a dinosaur, dangerously pointy and chunky. I steer my aim away from this and hurl this guy into the wall. He is shocked but not injured.
-----------------------
Singing like Micheal Jackson
I'm with a friend. Her brother is back from his studying and he has
decided to take up gardening and food growing as a job because he
can't find any money doing work in his previous study area. He is also
very good at growing plants it seems.
-
I'm learning to sing like Micheal Jackson. I'm with my brother joe and
he is encouraging me. Its taking ages trying to get it right, but his
encouragement keeps egging me on.
My sister is there too. I have made a huge drum, and also have taken
up the cello. I need to make a huge case to carry them all in, and I
need to make some new straps which will hold it on me.
I meet an older lady who says its time for me to start working with
her. She has black hair, she is sexual, and she is magical.
--------------------
Lift drawing, contact improvisation and The sacred Garden.
I am on a new one of rich's allotments. It needs some really big sycamore trees cut
down.
Once we have cut them down we realise how much space we have and we also reveal a south facing wall with lots of stone at the foot of it. I say to Pete that we will get the chance to plant fruit trees and also I get all this free stone to carve.
-
I'm late for life drawing, but I decide to go anyway,
I arrive and my friend has who needed a job and is poor, has got the new job of collecting the money for life drawing class. This is a good thing as he really needed the cash. He says to me -"big tits are more chaotic"... I'm not quite sure what he means, perhaps drawing them is harder or something...
-
We need a nude model - everyone has just been drawing abstract things on their paper, so I offer to be the nude for a while.
Now something changes and we all start dancing...
Everyone finds a partner to dance with and kiss but me. I feel left out, and emotional, and so I go to find a new group to join, and find a girl and we have a kiss, but it doesn't last, and now it evolves into a big group jam.
One lady feels left out of the jam, its accually because she doesn't have the flexibility of the rest of us, and can't do the moves. We work with her more carefully in the dance so as to include her.
-
Nicola has a new garden. She has bought a place big enough to fit all her family together. There's a canal that goes through the garden. I follow it down in a canal boat to explore beyond, to the bottom of the garden. The boat, despite being very big, is very light, and I am able to pick it up, which is suprising. Down at bottom of the garden there is a beautiful lawn. It has an amazing view across the city of Sheffield, and a view that looks all the way down Ecclesall rd, to the shops around hunters bar roundabout, which have been done up and now they are all painted green. This garden feels like a special sacred space.
Danger, gifts, and the cosmical seed sower
I'm in my bed. I'm waking up out of a dream, but I can't wake up. I feel paralyzed. I hear a hissing. The gas canister in the corner of the room has been leaking. It is poisoning me, and has been while i've been asleep. Now I don't have the strength to get up and turn it off. I'm in serious danger. I think to my self - "if i can only get to the window I can open it and get some fresh air and I will be fine. I will my self with all my might but I can't get up....
--------
Now I'm waking through the art room and there are loose broken floor boards. I'm in danger of falling through the floor. I need to tread very carefully.
------
I am with and friend, she tells me of her stressful times.
---------
I make a gift box for Katie, to offer lots of my things away, I need to
get rid of more things, I have too much and its weighing me down. Its a big git box, and I wonder if I can give all this away, I think 'what if I need it one day'?
She has to collect something from the art room. I warn her of the
broken floorboards.
-------
I have to collect something in a wheelbarrow - a big load of straw - from just near Wellow. I decide to call into Wellow to talk to new owners and pick a box of apples while I'm there.
-------
I meet an old man- He is a bit like Rich, - he has the eccentric hair and bald patch on top, but he is a bit fatter in the tummy. He has a timer for his seed sowing, it is timed to cosmical time, which tells him the exact minute which is most favorable to sow. His timer goes off. He gets out of his bed, sits on the edge of his bed and gets a packet of broad beans and tips them into a glass jar with water in. The water has been sat in his jar by his bed over night, soaking up the cosmic rays.
-----------
--------
Now I'm waking through the art room and there are loose broken floor boards. I'm in danger of falling through the floor. I need to tread very carefully.
------
I am with and friend, she tells me of her stressful times.
---------
I make a gift box for Katie, to offer lots of my things away, I need to
get rid of more things, I have too much and its weighing me down. Its a big git box, and I wonder if I can give all this away, I think 'what if I need it one day'?
She has to collect something from the art room. I warn her of the
broken floorboards.
-------
I have to collect something in a wheelbarrow - a big load of straw - from just near Wellow. I decide to call into Wellow to talk to new owners and pick a box of apples while I'm there.
-------
I meet an old man- He is a bit like Rich, - he has the eccentric hair and bald patch on top, but he is a bit fatter in the tummy. He has a timer for his seed sowing, it is timed to cosmical time, which tells him the exact minute which is most favorable to sow. His timer goes off. He gets out of his bed, sits on the edge of his bed and gets a packet of broad beans and tips them into a glass jar with water in. The water has been sat in his jar by his bed over night, soaking up the cosmic rays.
-----------
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