I am with L. I meet her in bristol somewhere, I think it is her house.
We hug, and it feels great to see her again. I decide to take her to
see some places, and we wander, now we are in sheffield, we wander
through my old school grounds. It is summer and there are loads of
flowering plants. We eat some tomatoes. One of my other friends is
with us. We go through these woods at the far end of the playground,
and it leads us to this ancient place, a lost world with this ruined
city amidst the trees.
There are people playing giant ball games out
here, like tennis but bigger. We try not to get in the way, but
inevitably we end up getting involved. We meet my brother joe and he
leads us across the landscape, and to the train. We get on the train,
and there we meet J. He is going out to the peak district to do some
work in this old garden near this ancient church.
Its a beautiful sunny day and we get off to explore, just after j has got off. Its
limestone country, and there are these huge outcrops of lime stone,
not dissimilar to the ones you see in pictures of the hopi great
plains land, those sticky up rock formations. But these have trees and
green on top and around. This is england after all. We wander. It is
so great spending so much time with L. I am helping her, and she is
helping me.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
The Cancer diagnostic
I'm in wellow.
I'm showing two middle agedish women round the garden, I think its
Narrelle and Imogen. They are fascinated by the plants. I'm telling
them about the growing and the medicine.
Tipi phil is around too. He has set up his tipi in the garden
somewhere. The weather is very damp. He is struggling to keep the
place dry.
Someone phones me,
"Hi, its Meg."
Who's meg I'm wondering?
I apologize to the others, "I just got to take this call".
"I'm that witchy pagan who you met a few months ago"
Hmm, I wonder. That doesn't really help.. I meet lots of witchy pagans.
Ah yes, now I remember who it must be!
"I remember you" I say,
"Do come round".
I'm making a fire in a yurt structure. The wood is damp and its making
a lot of smoke. She arrives and we chat.
As we chat Oli comes in playing guitar. He sings as well, and before I
know it, we are transported back to the city.
Meg now tells me I need to go have a hospital check up. They have some
important news they need to tell me. I go to the hospital. I'm waiting
for the results.
"Mr Watts",
I go over to the reception desk.
"We have the results of your check up, we have found that you have
been awarded to have cancer treatment"
"Typical" I think to myself, amongst feelings of denial and panic...
just like them! They probably just want to offer me something but I
don't want it. And yet, what if they ARE right? What if I do have
cancer? I panic.
My mum is there too, and I tell her that I don't believe them. Someone
my age getting cancer? That's impossible.. But I know deep down that
it is not.
"Let's go and see the results" I say to my mum.
A radiologist shows me the scan.
"Here" and "here" he points.
First I see a circle drawn around my right knee, the place where I had
the operation. Typical. I think to myself that this could have been
caused by all the x-ray treatment I had as I child on my legs and
knees. The second place he circles is an area in my chest, not my
heart area, but to the right hand side of my body, the right lung.
"Lung cancer?" I wonder. Well, I have been smoking recently, but not
lots. Only one a day! How unlucky!
I wander out of the hospital with my mum. I am thinking to myself that
what if they were right, and the chemotherapy was the only way of
treating it?
I know about good diet, I know how to look after myself, to eat right
and drink right, and live a good life. Ok, I have lapsed a bit, but
surely not enough to get cancer? I think to my self that even healthy
people get cancer as well, just less often. Anything is possible.
Perhaps this is a spiritual defect, I wonder, perhaps I have been
thinking too many negative thoughts. My first idea of treatment is to
get one of my shamanic friends to scan my body to see if they can pick
up on what the doctors picked up on. I feel I need spiritual guidance
with this one.
I know deep down that you don't have to have done anything wrong to
get cancer, sometimes its just the way its meant to be, and there's
nothing you can do about it. Sometimes... Perhaps that's the way its
meant to be for me?
I'm showing two middle agedish women round the garden, I think its
Narrelle and Imogen. They are fascinated by the plants. I'm telling
them about the growing and the medicine.
Tipi phil is around too. He has set up his tipi in the garden
somewhere. The weather is very damp. He is struggling to keep the
place dry.
Someone phones me,
"Hi, its Meg."
Who's meg I'm wondering?
I apologize to the others, "I just got to take this call".
"I'm that witchy pagan who you met a few months ago"
Hmm, I wonder. That doesn't really help.. I meet lots of witchy pagans.
Ah yes, now I remember who it must be!
"I remember you" I say,
"Do come round".
I'm making a fire in a yurt structure. The wood is damp and its making
a lot of smoke. She arrives and we chat.
As we chat Oli comes in playing guitar. He sings as well, and before I
know it, we are transported back to the city.
Meg now tells me I need to go have a hospital check up. They have some
important news they need to tell me. I go to the hospital. I'm waiting
for the results.
"Mr Watts",
I go over to the reception desk.
"We have the results of your check up, we have found that you have
been awarded to have cancer treatment"
"Typical" I think to myself, amongst feelings of denial and panic...
just like them! They probably just want to offer me something but I
don't want it. And yet, what if they ARE right? What if I do have
cancer? I panic.
My mum is there too, and I tell her that I don't believe them. Someone
my age getting cancer? That's impossible.. But I know deep down that
it is not.
"Let's go and see the results" I say to my mum.
A radiologist shows me the scan.
"Here" and "here" he points.
First I see a circle drawn around my right knee, the place where I had
the operation. Typical. I think to myself that this could have been
caused by all the x-ray treatment I had as I child on my legs and
knees. The second place he circles is an area in my chest, not my
heart area, but to the right hand side of my body, the right lung.
"Lung cancer?" I wonder. Well, I have been smoking recently, but not
lots. Only one a day! How unlucky!
I wander out of the hospital with my mum. I am thinking to myself that
what if they were right, and the chemotherapy was the only way of
treating it?
I know about good diet, I know how to look after myself, to eat right
and drink right, and live a good life. Ok, I have lapsed a bit, but
surely not enough to get cancer? I think to my self that even healthy
people get cancer as well, just less often. Anything is possible.
Perhaps this is a spiritual defect, I wonder, perhaps I have been
thinking too many negative thoughts. My first idea of treatment is to
get one of my shamanic friends to scan my body to see if they can pick
up on what the doctors picked up on. I feel I need spiritual guidance
with this one.
I know deep down that you don't have to have done anything wrong to
get cancer, sometimes its just the way its meant to be, and there's
nothing you can do about it. Sometimes... Perhaps that's the way its
meant to be for me?
The Healing Song
I have reached the destination of my pilgrimage, and I enter the
temple. There is a buddhist monk sat cross legged in the center of the
room with cushions spread out all around him. A few people are in the
room with him, and he is chanting in a deep tone, like throat singing
voice.
When he finishes, he welcomes me in, and then says to the people on
the floor, "let's try something new"
We all sit up and I join the group. This seems like more of an active
meditation group than a passive one.
--
Jess said to travel to brighton, that I'd meet someone important
there. Me and ruth are traveling with her, in her van. After brighton
we are going on to bristol. I wanted to go back to sheffield, but she
tells me I don't need to go back to sheffield, I just need to buy a
few new items of clothes.
--
I'm singing some songs with some friends at a festival, outside
somewhere on the grass. Sama is there, as are some other members of
the clan. Its a spirit gathering.
--
We are now having a meal at some community event in bristol. We have
been listening to lots of music
No food left, just some bread. Someone offers me some rye bread.
Mike fingold is there. I point him out to T. "Have you met mike? He is
involved in most of the bristol permaculture stuff."
T has seen him around and abouts but doesn't really know him.
T has written a song for me. She starts singing it, and it brings
tears to both my and her eyes, and lots of the people who are in the
room. She is playing it on the harmonium.
The song goes,
"Blessed stephen
Help me
You didn't know you were hopeful in child,
Now you know.
Flow, flow, flow, flow your river down. Flow your river down. Flow
your river down."
People don't stop to listen to all of it, and we get distracted by
other things, but it was a truly beautiful song. It went straight to
my heart.
People are doing some messaging on a computer. R has been sending me
messages. This is no ordinary message service. It has 3D graphics, and
surround sound. Yes, you even get to see the thoughts that they wish
to send you. But it is also an open service, like facebook, and so,
everyone else gets to see them too. Essentially everyone's thoughts
are transparent. I see naked bodies in my messages, bums and thighs,
breasts...I don't know where they have come from, who sent them, who's
they are, but they are engaged in various acrobatic like sexual
activities.
My bro joe comments on them, as do giles and luke and a few others.
temple. There is a buddhist monk sat cross legged in the center of the
room with cushions spread out all around him. A few people are in the
room with him, and he is chanting in a deep tone, like throat singing
voice.
When he finishes, he welcomes me in, and then says to the people on
the floor, "let's try something new"
We all sit up and I join the group. This seems like more of an active
meditation group than a passive one.
--
Jess said to travel to brighton, that I'd meet someone important
there. Me and ruth are traveling with her, in her van. After brighton
we are going on to bristol. I wanted to go back to sheffield, but she
tells me I don't need to go back to sheffield, I just need to buy a
few new items of clothes.
--
I'm singing some songs with some friends at a festival, outside
somewhere on the grass. Sama is there, as are some other members of
the clan. Its a spirit gathering.
--
We are now having a meal at some community event in bristol. We have
been listening to lots of music
No food left, just some bread. Someone offers me some rye bread.
Mike fingold is there. I point him out to T. "Have you met mike? He is
involved in most of the bristol permaculture stuff."
T has seen him around and abouts but doesn't really know him.
T has written a song for me. She starts singing it, and it brings
tears to both my and her eyes, and lots of the people who are in the
room. She is playing it on the harmonium.
The song goes,
"Blessed stephen
Help me
You didn't know you were hopeful in child,
Now you know.
Flow, flow, flow, flow your river down. Flow your river down. Flow
your river down."
People don't stop to listen to all of it, and we get distracted by
other things, but it was a truly beautiful song. It went straight to
my heart.
People are doing some messaging on a computer. R has been sending me
messages. This is no ordinary message service. It has 3D graphics, and
surround sound. Yes, you even get to see the thoughts that they wish
to send you. But it is also an open service, like facebook, and so,
everyone else gets to see them too. Essentially everyone's thoughts
are transparent. I see naked bodies in my messages, bums and thighs,
breasts...I don't know where they have come from, who sent them, who's
they are, but they are engaged in various acrobatic like sexual
activities.
My bro joe comments on them, as do giles and luke and a few others.
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